Beware of the Worst: The Cullens
by Vision in Blue
Summary: What if Cady, Janice, Damon, and the rest of North Shore went to Forks High... An alternative cafeteria scene. Twilight/Mean Girls parody. Rated for Janice's blunt and colorful language, and Damon's choice of song... IF YA CAN'T TAKE A JOKE, DON'T READ!


Beware of the Worst: The Cullens

_What if Cady, Janice, Damon, and the rest of North Shore went to Forks High... An alternative cafeteria scene. Twilight/Mean Girls parody._

**A/n: I like **_**Twilight**_**, I really do. I'm just compiling complaints about the book (and frustrating my anger that I know of 4****th**** graders who are reading it… I hope they never EVER reach the **_**Breaking Dawn**_** for the sake of their psyches…) and making fun of it. This is a PARODY. All the cliques were from the movie, with a few exceptions. ;) It's mostly dialogue, FYI. Rated T for Janice's colorful and blunt language, and Damon's choice of song.**

_Disclaimer: I think that it would be pretty awesome to be either Tina Fey or Stephenie Meyer, but I'm not. Direct quotes from the movie __**Mean Girls**__ have an asterisk before them. I also don't own the song, erm, 'The Bitch of the Living' from Spring Awakening. Or 'Those You've Known'._

*"Here," Janice said as she pulled a piece of paper from her binder, *"This map is gonna be your guide to Forks High." Cady took the paper from Janice's hand and examined it. By the look of Cady's furrowed brow, Janice knew that she had her work cut out for her.

* "Now, where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial," Janice explained, "because you got everybody there." Rotating the map, Cady tried to pinpoint her exact location. Damon shot Janice a glance, and she sighed as she continued.

"Ok, right over there," Janice pointed to a scrawny group of prepubescent boys, then back to a rectangle on the map, "that's the Freshman. Well, the male freshman anyway. Any freshman with a hoo-hoo will be staring at a… _certain_ table."

"Over there is the preps. They're known for their discreet glances toward a… _certain table_. They try to hide it only because they're jealous that they always look so put together every minute of the day."

"What table?" Cady asked.

"We'll cover that soon enough. And our next stop," Janice said, mimicking a caffeinated tour guide, "are the JV jocks. Notice their proximity to the varsity jocks table. The varsity jocks are notorious for wearing their varsity jackets in all sorts of weather. That, and picking on the Asian nerds. The cool Asians are way over there," she gestured to the south end of the cafeteria.

"What's that 'certain table' that you mentioned before?" Cady asked again, even more eager than before.

"I'm getting to that. Now, you have the typical… wait. You don't know typical. I'll save you the pain and give you the Campbell's soup version. There's the burnouts, desperate wannabes, girls who eat their feelings, girls who wouldn't be caught dead eating, sexually active band geeks, unfriendly black hotties, the greatest people you would ever meet…"

"Us," Damon mouthed, pointing at him and Janice.

"And the Plastics. Living, breathing Barbie Dolls; coincidentally, the same IQ applies," Janice ended.

"Who are they?" Cady asked, pointing to a table in close proximity to them.

"Oh them? They're the Mary-Sues. There's that Justin Chon kid, who is neither cool enough for the Cool Asians nor nerdy enough for the Nerd Asians, yet you can't help but feel sorry for him. There's Mike Newton. He's been ogling Jessica for the past, oh I don't know, five years or so. Jessica pretends she doesn't like it, but secretly, we all know she writes paperback porn on what the two of them could do together in her bedroom. I thought Angela transferred out years ago, actually, because she's so quiet and forgettable. Then we have Isabella Swan."

"I thought her name was Bella," Cady stated, confused. "She was in my English class."

"Well, Isabella doesn't like her full name, which is why I'm intent on using it. She pretends that she doesn't get the attention of any guys at school, but we all know she does. Denying her supposed 'beauty' is just part of that charm that boys go after. Because after all, who needs brains, morals, confidence, and self-worth when you have insecurities!"

"Is that the _certain_ table?"

"Which brings me to my last stop," Janice zapped back into her tour guide persona, "Beware of the Worst: The Cullens."

"The Cullens? Is that, like, a religion or something?"

"No, it's a group of five people, and they're all adopted. With only one exception, they act like they're freakin' _married_ or 'committed for life' or something. They also live in the same house, which raises an eyebrow or too considering the whole 'committed for life' thing. Some find it freaky, some find it cute, and some don't give a rat's ass. By now you should figure out what group I'm in.

"The tall, blonde one is Rosalie. As Damon would put it, she's 'the bitch of the living'. I didn't want to know where that was from. She's with Emmett, the one that has the face that Build-a-Bear pines for to market on their stuffed beasts. The short haired one is Alice, and she's with Jasper. Yes, Jasper always looks somewhat in a Holden Caulfield mood."

"Holden who?"

"He looks like he's in perpetual pain. Then there's the last one, Edward Cullen. The freshman girls, and any sophomore, junior, or senior with little to no self respect, vie after him. The only problem is that he doesn't date anyone. Well, anyone from around here, anyway. Jessica tried to ask him out about thirty times last year, but he politely declined them all. They're all pretty polite, annoyingly enough, with the exception of the bitch of the living."

"Bitch, just a bitch!" Damon finished the line of the song, complete with appropriate head jerks. He snapped out of his song-world when he got a simultaneous scared glance from Cady, and 'I'll kick the crap outta you' look from Janice.

"If they're so polite, why doesn't anyone like them?"

"Cady, the thing is that, well, being different isn't exactly a super fabulous thing around here. You wind up getting the short end of the stick of life, but you live beyond your high school years."

"Maybe I should sit over there, just to find out what they're like. Maybe they're lonely…"

"Cady…" Damon began. "Janice, just tell her your theory."

"I'm not certain yet, but I've came up with a few possibilities. Then I narrowed them down to anything that doesn't involve radioactive spiders or kryptonite and…"

"She thinks they're vampires," Damon finished. Janice slapped him upside the head.

"Vampires," Cady laughed; as much as she tried to keep a straight face, she couldn't help bursting out into giggles.

"Well, think about it Cade. 1) Whenever the sun comes out here, rarely, they all go on a mysterious 'camping trip'. Vampires can't take sunlight, so they're probably at home. 2) They never eat. Vampires only drink blood, and they wouldn't risk their cover being blown by feeding off the underclassman. Although, I'd love for Edward to take a nice big bite out of Bella, since she's so damn annoying. 3) Their eyes change color. Humans don't have color changing eyes. Damon suggested that maybe this had to do with their feeding habits, but I'm apprehensive. And 4) They're pale. Well, a lack of constant sunlight doesn't work anyone who likes to keep a 'natural tan'."

"As opposed to…" Cady started.

"An oompa-loompa orange spray tan. See Karen of the Plastics for clarification. Anyway, the Cullens are unnaturally pale. I inherited some pretty albino genes from my folks, but I'm not as pale as them."

"Ok," Cady nodded, dizzy from all this "useful" information being thrown at her.

"I guess now I can officially say: Welcome to Forks High. Those you've known and lost will stalk you for the rest of your life. Choose your friends wisely."

"You watch me, just watch me, I'm calling, and one day all will…" Damon crooned.

"Damon, we all know you're gay."

**A/n: That was fun to write. (I absolutely couldn't resist throwing those Spring Awakening refs in there… And I know plenty of straight guys who love Spring Awakening, too. Kthankxbai no flames…) Thanks for reading! (:**


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